"i'm here. i love you.
i dont care if you need to stay up
crying all night long.
i will stay with you.
there's nothing you can ever do
to lose my love.
i will protect you until you die,
and after your death,
i will still protect you.
i am stronger than depression.
and i am braver than loneliness.
and nothing will ever exhaust me. "

as i watch the fireworks at terror club.
unconsciously, i was brought back
to the age of five.
i was smiling like a cheshire cat.
ear to ear.
clapping my hands like the kid
next to me.
shall we watch fireworks together C?

fireworks are like flowers.
the same reason why i hate them
are the same reason why i love them.
both are beautiful to the eye.
yet this is just momentary.
and then it comes to my theory
that nothing lasts forever.
Hence, i hate flowers and fireworks.

jen was telling me about her bf today.
she was complaining how ugly she is.
i asked her, what makes her think that
she's ugly and not pleasant.
then she replied:
"if i'm pretty and hot enough,
then why would my bf still go out
with other girls and look at other girls'
pictures? it just shows that i'm not
good enough to get all his attention."

oh boy, if i were to think like her.
wouldnt i be like a vinegar vat by now?
considering the fact that C goes out
with other girls and always look
at other girls' pictures.
if jen were in my place,
wouldnt she have gone crazy?

but it got me thinking too.
cause it made sense to certain degree.
(history teaches us that there's no
such thing as a wrong point of view.)
perhaps i really am not gorgeous
or jaw dropping or curvylicious
enough for C to glue his eyes to me.
but then again,
if i'm the one that is occupied
and has no time for him.
it makes no sense for C to be alone.
i'm sure if he has other activities,
C wouldnt mind me going out
with other guys too right?

sometimes, dont you wish your loved
one to want the same things as you do?
to love you the way you love them?
to feel the way you feel towards them?
but hardly in life, does that happen.
a balance is nearly unattainable.

love is not a measure of which side
loves the other more.
love is about loving that person with
all that you have.
if you dont, you'll live to regret.
i dont give a damn if i love C more than
he loves me. or vice versa.
just as long as i know i've given my all.
i dont wanna regret.
i dont wanna cry and say, why haven't i
-fill in the blanks- in the past.

i think i've been pretty understanding
and gracious in this relationship.
i doubt i've been unreasonable.
whenever i am at a dilemna about
whether or not to get angry,
i would put myself in his shoes.
i would consider his feelings, like how
my response would affect him if he's
upset and if i still rant at him.
but .... ... ....?

i wanna be a prized gf/wife.
i wanna be someone that you'll be proud
to show off to your friends/family.
i wanna be someone that your
family adores.
i wanna be someone that you'll wanna
protect in the face of adversity.
i wanna be someone that you think
is worth standing up for.
i wanna be the first person that comes
to your mind when problems arise.
i wanna be the first person you run to
when the tears wont listen to you.
i wanna be that someone who you'll
wanna wake up to every morning
and fall asleep with every night.
i wanna be your pillar of strength.
i wanna be that someone whom you'll
want to catch hold of and never let go.
i wanna be her.
i wanna be the girl of your dreams.

i dont know why this post is
extremely longgggggggggggg.
if others can see how beautiful i am,
why cant i see myself in their light?
people always say
"ooo she's hot, she's pretty. she's tall."
but what does it take for someone
to fall in love with me and not just
what they see on the exterior.
could you exchange pretty for beautiful?
could you exchange hot for understanding?
could you exchange tall for kindness?

i may be a woman
but dont mistake me for someone
feeble, vulnerable or gullible.
like every man,
i have strength to carry your troubles
on my shoulders.
i have shoulders for you to cry on.
i have arms to envelope your tired soul.
i will shelter you from harm.
and like every man,
i will get angry if im not treated right.
i will lose control of my emotions.
i will not treat you right at times.
and yet i'm not like every man,
i wont misunderstand your intentions
i wont get mad at you when something/
someone else has made me mad.
i wont push you aside.
i wont let go of your hand when i know
you need me there the most.

when i say hold me tight
for ten seconds,
please dont let it just be ten seconds.
when i say kiss me,
please just walk straight to me
and make our lips meet.

its so cold and wet out there.
wouldnt it be nice if someone out
there could hug me to bed.
wouldnt it be nice if it was you.

/ while i sleep, i dream of you.
and when i'm awake, i long to hold you
in my arms. if anything, our time apart has
only made me more certain that i want to
spend my nights by your side, and my days
with your heart.
thirty one days.